DannyBoyinExile

Every prison has its share of dumb criminals, and Wynne Unit is no different. (We’re not here for being rocket scientists, after all.)
Sometimes I take a look at the sorry specimens of humanity who surround me in the dayroom, and I almost feel like a genius in comparison. I’ll admit that I’ve been called an idiot far more than I’ve been called a genius, for sure. But if an IDIOT calls me an idiot, does that count against me?
Take the guy who smoked too much on the run, and fell completely off three row. Come to find out, he was celebrating his BIRTHDAY! He almost gave a new meaning to that date, and he STILL hasn’t made it back from the hospital. The only reason I don’t consider him among Wynne’s Dumbest Criminals is because I feel sorry for him, for injuring himself so severely. Besides – there are so many people doing stupid things around here that none of them will remain in the spotlight for long. There’s just too much competition.
I work on B wing, which is a madhouse at the best of times – and an idiothouse the rest. The preferred methods of protest are flooding the run, starting a fire, or tossing various substances (“chunking”) on people. Think about it: if you’re upset because, for example, you haven’t gotten your property yet – how soon do you think you’ll get it after you’ve flooded the entire run with water? (You’ll be lucky to get it at all!)
But the acts of uninintelligence aren’t confined to the inmates who LIVE on B wing. The latest award for Wynne’s Dumbest Criminals happens to go to a few guys who worked back there.
I work for a lady named Ms Heartless (names have been changed, to protect the guilty), who is over the Utility Squad. We’re almost like Seal Team B (B wing). We do the heavy cleaning and detail work that noone else does – and we happen to clean up behind the aforementioned protestors, who do their best to destroy the place.
As such, it is vital that we have our own equipment, so that we can deal with any emergencies or disruptions at a moment’s notice. So we have our very own locked cage to secure our equipment in (such as brooms, mops and mop buckets, squeegees, scrub brushes, chemicals, and rubber boots) – which noone but Ms Heartless has the key to. Since we collect our supplies from there every morning, then return them every afternoon, we got into the habit of leaving our personal shoes in the locker. In theory, that’s the safest place we COULD leave them, as it’s literally behind a locked door.
Sadly, that theory was disproven by Wynne Unit’s newest Dumbest Criminals. One day our boss was called out on a medical run (to transport an inmate to the hospital) and simply was not back before it was time for us to leave for the day. So we did the only thing we COULD do, which was to leave the shoes there until the next morning.
When we returned, the equipment cage was broken, the steel bar that held it closed was literally broken off, and the lock was dangling helplessly, protecting nothing. Sadly, my coworker’s shoes had vanished, with not even an odor left behind…
Apparently another shift of B wing workers spotted the shoes and decided to do a little breaking and entering. They broke into the locker, snatched the shoes, took them home, sold them – and didn’t have a chance in hell of getting away with it. Practically every inch of the Wynne Unit is covered by surveillance cameras. Their JOB (the cameras, not the ex B wing workers) is to monitor everything, so that all the administration has to do is wind them back and see exactly what transpired at any given time and location. Which is precisely what they did, of course. I mean, who WOULDN’T notice an equipment cage with its door kicked open, and who wouldn’t report it? (Not Ms Heartless, for damn sure!) :-} Needless to say, the perpetrators were immediately identified – and now they’re in lockup on the same B wing that they recently worked on. Poetically, the same people they just STOLE from are the guys who serve their meals every day… (I don’t call them Wynne’s Dumbest Criminals for nothing!) What can I say? Karma can be a bitch sometimes – so you better be nice to her. So says DannyBoy.