DannyBoyinExile

The word respect means different things to different people in prison. For example, I have the word tattooed at the base of my throat. I can’t remember how many times some youngster has said to me, “Damn, OG – I see you earned your respect!”
And I have – but it’s just a tattoo. It’s not a word that would get tattooed on someone who didn’t deserve it, for sure. But the tattoo in itself doesn’t mean its wearer knows anything about what respect means.
To me, respect is a way of life. The tattoo is not proclaiming that I’ve earned it, or demanding that I receive it. I got it because I believe in SHOWING it. (Showing respect, I mean, not showing the tattoo!)
When I tell people – and I do – that I’m “all about respect”, what that means is that I will be respectful at all times. No matter who you are, or what your standing is on the social ladder, I will show you respect. There may be categories of inmates that I don’t particularly like, but I’ll still show them respect – or at least, I won’t DISRESPECT them. I’ll be civil to them, I’ll be polite, and I will never try to screw them over. To be a good dude, I can do no less! You can’t be a good dude MOST OF THE TIME, or a good dude – but only to the people you like. You’re either a good person or you’re not – and if you are, you have to be that way all the time.
When I first came to prison, I looked at respect the way young people always have – and the way they still do today. I defined respect as something to be demanded from people, and felt that the best way to earn it was to make people fear me. If the other inmates sensed just a little hostility in me, they knew that I would immediately challenge any encroachment, and that would at least keep them from DISrespecting me. I felt that I had to cultivate just a little aggression, because if I was considered too “friendly” (which is actually a derogatory word around here!), it would invite people to target me – or at least test me.
I learned what Machiavelli discovered so long ago: in prison, at least, it’s much better to be feared than to be loved. Because by instilling just a little fear in my peers, I controlled the dynamic. Whereas if I simply trusted in the kindheartedness of other people (in prison? ha!), I was leaving it up to them to control how they treated me.
After years of growth, I realized that you don’t have to instill fear in people to make them respect you. The majority of the time, all you have to do is respect them first! It was only a sense of insecurity (institutional insecurity, to be exact) that made me feel as if I needed to PROVE anything to anybody else. All I have to do is be myself. It is in my nature to be kind to people, so I will BE that way, whether I’m in prison or not. It takes far more courage to be nice to someone, just because you can, than it does to be mean to them, just because you can. Besides – it’s not in my nature to stab somebody because he cut in front of me in the chow line. But it IS in my nature to ask someone if he needs help when I see him struggling.
Respect has become a way of life for me. So I’ve given up on trying to be a TOUGH guy, and decided to focus on being a GOOD guy. It will never hurt me to be nice to somebody else – and it may cause them to be just as nice back to me. I had to come to prison to learn that lesson, but it’s just as valuable out there. We can all be nice people, if we’d just start practicing. Who knows – maybe my wife can even learn to start being nicer to me! (just kidding)
I hope everyone reading this will randomly smile at somebody today. It may brighten their day – and it just may brighten yours, too. So says DannyBoy.